He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
