I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
