so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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