The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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