He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
