I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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