i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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