My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
