just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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