Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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