Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
