I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
