I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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