there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
