I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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