last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
