I met the friendliest cop last night
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
