Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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