I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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