So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
