I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
