her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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