you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
