Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
