I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
