Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im having a threesome with these popsicles
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
