I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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