It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
