Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
