Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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