what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
my liver is dry heaving
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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