I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
