I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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