Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
