do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
