Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize