My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
