my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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