Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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