god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
