I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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