there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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