Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize