I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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