i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
