wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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