my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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