I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
