My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
