just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
