Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
