I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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