the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize