i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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