you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
