she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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