Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
