I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
