ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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