OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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