btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
