did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
