honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
only you would photoshop your dick
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
